- I believe that diets are ineffective and potentially emotionally destructive. I believe that if you focus on healthy habits, weight loss will likely follow. Reject the diet mentality.
- I believe any obsession with food or weight is unhealthy. If you are preoccupied with food, calories, size, image, or weight, you should probably get help for disordered eating.
- I believe in creating realistic long-term habits focused on health. Learn to be active. Learn to cook. Learn to eat plants.
- I believe in Michael Pollan’s Food Rules: Eat food, mostly plants, not too much. His book says it best, so you should just read it.
- I believe in ignoring all the rules and learning intuitive eating. Listen to the only thing that matters: your body.
- I believe in experimenting. Identify what your body wants, when it wants it, and how much it wants. Experiment with different food philosophies to figure out what works for you.
- I believe that “eating well gives a spectacular joy to life and contributes immensely to good will and happy companionship.” – Elsa Schiaparelli
- I believe in being active. I believe in finding activities that you love and doing those often! I don’t believe in going to the gym, unless you really love going to the gym.
- I believe regular strength training will help your muscles and your bones and your joints live a long, active life.
- I believe your body is your greatest asset, your greatest resource, your greatest tool in life.
- I believe in loving your body and treating it well so you are free to focus on loving others and living a meaningful life.
I’ve been dating for 18+ years. And occasionally it still drives me insane. During one of those moments of insanity, I sat down and channeled my frustration into a set of dating rules. Warning: These are my own rules – born of trial and error and years of experience. I take full responsibility for them. I aspire to live by them and I fail daily.
- Be human. Embrace real emotions. Share real emotions. Don’t try and pretend you’re not affected by them. We all are – no matter what age.
- Be kind. This is critical. You’re dealing with real human emotions (see #1). Some people confuse being kind with being perceived as kind. True kindness is considering the long term effect of your actions on a human being who has feelings like you.
- Be honest. With yourself and with a potential partner. This is just as important as rule #2. Ask yourself: Is it true? Kind? Necessary? Send a clear message in a kind way.
- Be deliberate. If you don’t like them enough to deliberately date them, than you probably don’t like them enough. Never use another person to simply satisfy your physical or emotional needs. Or worse, waste time and energy cause you worry you’ll hurt them. This is confusing. And in the end violates rule #2.
- Learn how to flirt (and distinguish flirting from rule #2). I don’t pretend to know anything about this. But from what I can tell, it’s critical.
- Learn to be comfortable on your own without trampling out the yearning for companionship. If you don’t know how to be alone, you’ll create relationships for the wrong reason.
- Notice the insanely powerful human emotions in you without taking immediate action. Notice the desire to text / call / flirt / kiss. Notice and do nothing. Watch it fade. Watch it grow. Practice control. Practice giving in. Practice walking away. Notice what feels right and happy and good.
- Be aware of a false sense of connection! Relationships aren’t built through texting or kissing (although these are all awesome in their proper place). Strong connections are created through quality conversation and shared experiences.
- Be present. This is hard with so many distractions. It’s worth the effort! Put your phone away and focus on the person next to you – your mom, your sister, your friend, your date. Practice listening and feeling. If you have to pull out your phone, tell the other person what you’re doing and then go back to being present when you’re done. This is basic respect and leads back to rule#2.
- Respect agency. You may be sorely tempted to write a crazy love letter, but don’t be surprised when it doesn’t get returned. He or she makes choices. You make choices. Grieve. Then move on.
If you want to read more, you should read the New Rules of Marriage, by Terrence Real. It changed my life.
It can be hard to interact with people who live different lives than we do. As a single adult in a church that cares deeply about the marriage and family, I know many single adults who feel like their married friends, family, and church leaders are critical of their lives, hyper-focused on their single status, or insensitive to their unique experiences. I also know many friends, family, and church leaders that believe single adults are too defensive, not motivated, too comfortable and oh-so-distracted. There is truth in all of this.
This disconnect between single adults and married adults in the church has troubled me. Jennifer Finlayson-Fife is a mormon therapist who has written about this topic. She sums it up well:
When marriage is an essential achievement of earth-life, single adults represent an aberration from our theological ideal. If one doesn’t get married (whether by choice or lack of opportunity), and marriage is the desired state, it is very easy to treat singles as though they are in a prolonged adolescence, in a holding pattern, waiting patiently to arrive at true adulthood, for their lives to truly begin.
I would add that it is very easy to feel as if we are in a holding pattern. We put a lot of pressure on ourselves. When we or others see us as though we are not whole people if not married, it causes unnecessary pressure, obsessive focus on marriage, and undermines our ability to serve and minister to others — all of which detract from the main goal of marriage itself.
No doubt this is a complex issue and one that I certainly haven’t completely resolved. However, in my own struggle to make peace with my current life and the married life I hope to live one day, I’ve noticed one thing that helps immensely to bridge this disconnect between married and single adults. A member of my church stood up once in front of our congregation and boldly declared that in spite of her “issues” all she ever wanted was to “feel loved and not judged.” Don’t we all want to feel that way?
So… how do we show love and not judgment? Here are some ideas that have helped me most as I interact with my friends and family.
Sincerely Ask About Their Life
Show genuine love and concern for the whole person, not just about their single status. Ask them about their hobbies, their friends, their job, their church experience. Ask questions that start with “Tell me more about… “ or “What’s your experience with…” or “How do you feel about…” Above all, show love. If you show your sincerity, they’ll likely talk to you about every aspect of their life… but only if they feel loved and not judged. This takes time. Especially if there’s previous hurt or frustration. Don’t give up! In your busy life, you might not have time for a deep conversation. Once while visiting my home ward, a family I barely knew passed me a note across the aisle, delivered by their 4 year-old boy. It said, “Lindsay – we’re so glad you are here – the Davis’ are big fans of you!” It’s been at least 4 years, and I still remember how I felt when I received that note.
Show Confidence In Them
Whether or not they share their life with you, try to find a way to show love and confidence for them. We all want to feel significant, important, valued. That we matter. I once heard Steve Young speak about his own search for marriage, and the rare opportunity he had to meet with several senior church leaders, seeking their advice. He eagerly anticipated each meeting but over the course of several years, he began to notice that their advice generally include the same two phrases no matter what their experience or authority on the topic. They would listen intently. Then, inevitably they would respond with some version of 1) “We love you.” and 2) “Good luck!” In my experience, that’s infinitely better than any dating story or marriage advice.
Find Things In Common
One way to show love and not judgment is to find things in common. It’s easy for us to get obsessed with ourselves. Share with us your own feelings and thoughts and life experiences. The reality is that our lives are more alike than different. And the private struggle you feel in marriage is no less a struggle than the one we bear alone. We hardly remember this. Remind us of the challenges you face and the human in us will respond. Whether married or single, those who are happiest find “all things common” among their family and friends.
Be an Example
A million times better than talking about marriage is seeing a marriage worth emulating. Great marriages seem easy to talk about, but hard to do. So when I see couple having fun, solving problems, loving each other, showing kindness in little things – that makes me want to get married more than anything! Show us why it’s worth it. With declining marriage rates, and increasing dysfunctional relationships, it’s imperative that we find good examples of marriage and family from which to set our sights on.
Pray for Them
Once, a friend of mine (who happens to be married with four kids and a busy job) emailed me and told me he was praying for me. I had to hold back the tears while sitting at my office computer. Not only did he take the time to ask me about my life, but he also asked God about my life. That meant the world to me. If you care enough about them, care enough to ask God “How would thou have me interact with thy son or daughter?” Because he loves both of you, God has double the reason to answer that type of prayer.
In Crossing to Safety, Wallace Stegnar sums up the feeling of being loved and not judged in a simple backward glance: “Our necks craned for a last look at the people who above any other two on earth made us feel good, wanted, loved, important, and happy.” I’m forever indebted to the family and friends that make me feel this way.
- Self-doubt and hesitation are real and debilitating. The only thing that effectively eliminates them is action.
- We don’t get to choose the actions of others, but we can choose how we respond to them.
- Email, texting, social media, tv shows or other addictions distract from our ability to choose.
- Making passive choices can be as destructive as making wrong choices.
- The reality of individual choice is that only you choose how to spend your energy and your time.
- Assuming responsibility for choices is hard but liberating.
- What is impacting your ability to choose how you spend your energy and your time? Identify where you are passively making choices and take back your right to choose.
- Watch your language: Use the words “I choose to” rather than “I have to” or “I felt” rather than “You made me feel”.
- Assume responsibility by asking the question, “What’s my role in this matter?”
I met Andrew 7 years ago and have been following him around ever since. We live parallel lives. Not only do we share similar beliefs and hobbies, but we share the same educational background and career—we live in similar worlds while even sharing the same desk space. Six years ago, I wrote a paragraph about why I admired him. Since then, I’ve seen him engaging in academic debates, consulting with federal clients, supervising new employees, presiding over his congregation, teaching his children and going on dates with his wife. You learn a lot about a person when seeing them in such different environments. And since it was his birthday last Saturday, and I feel it’s time to give him a proper tribute. What do I admire about Andrew? He is:
- Authentic. He loves Pixar, biking, and musical theatre; has little interest in sports; cares a ton about his family and church; and rarely consumes pop culture. Andrew makes everything more fun by being true to his creative side. He is who he is– a man without guile, who helps you feel more comfortable in your own skin. People are drawn to him. He shares his interests freely and owns up to what he doesn’t know. If you looked up the word ‘humble’ in the dictionary, you’d probably find a picture of him.
- Loyal. Whether it be God, family, friends, or employer, Andrew decides what he cares about and is unwaveringly loyal. He’s there. He’s all in. I’ve seen him keep commitments to his wife to be home for dinner, to a friend to help with their move, to a client to submit a proposal, or to his church responsibilities – even when he’s exhausted, busy, or both.
- Compassionate. Andrew cares deeply. This shows up most in his family life—the minute you start asking him about his children, you can see the great love he has for them. But it doesn’t stop there – Andrew thinks a lot about others, gives them the benefit of the doubt, and actively supports those around him. He once sent me an email saying that he prayed for me. That simple act of compassion meant the world to me. I’m sure he’s prayed for hundreds of people over the years.
Andrew knows who he is, what he values, and what’s important to him. Then he acts according to that knowledge. I can think of no higher compliment and I aspire to be like him. Happy birthday to one of the greatest humans I know.
I’ve been into Lincoln lately. What a man! Turns out I’m late to the bandwagon because there are more than 16,000 books written about our 16th president. In my study, I’ve noticed people often discuss Lincoln in terms of his results (ending the civil war, the Emancipation Proclamation, 13th amendment, etc.) or his character (integrity, ambition, and humor, to name a few). This sparked a question in me: What will be my legacy? What will I be known for?
Recently my boss wrote a summary of my accomplishments in the last few years. He talked about the programs I’ve managed, the projects I’ve led and the contributions I’ve made to our team. He talked about the improvements we’ve made and how I contributed to them. He was kind and generous with his words, but it made me wonder: Is this what I want to be known for? Will this be my legacy?
Around the same time, I read a biography for my sister-in-law that my brother had written about her role as the mother of their 5 kids. Like Lincoln, Becky is known for both her character and her results. I’ve included it almost in it’s entirety here because it impacted me so much:
Rebecca Ellen Thomas was born and raised in Olathe, KS. She served a mission in Panama, Panama City and graduated with a 2 year degree from Ricks College and a Bachelor’s of Science degree from Brigham Young University, Provo in Biology Teaching in 2001. She married Damon Larry Johnson in 1999.
Becky and Damon graduated from BYU together, started a new job, bought a new house, and had their first baby all within about 1 week. Life hasn’t slowed down since. They now have 5 children: Parker, Ellen, Bryant, Leah, and Katelyn. Becky has been a stay at home mother from the beginning.
Although most of her time is spent raising children and caring for home, she is a woman of other varied talents and experiences. She has experience and love for dancing, piano, orchestra, science, sewing, outdoors, and reading among other things. But she is best known to her kids for her animal impersonations skills including “monkeys” and “crickets”! :)
She loves to learn! She is a lifetime student and there are few things she doesn’t master when presented with an opportunity. She always learning something new and working on new projects at home.
One of her most important qualities is that she is willing to pay the price when others aren’t. She feels great compassion for others and will sacrifice anything for someone in need. She is an avid listener, compassionate friend, and resourceful problem solver. People flock to her to help solve their problems when others can’t help. She has a “no nonsense” personality that makes her practical, real, and determined. This, combined with her personal, warm and welcoming nature, creates the ideal atmosphere to help people grow. Because of this, she is incredible resource wherever she is called to serve.
Her bright eyes, warm smile, and welcoming laugh attract people to her, especially her family. They want to be with her constantly. Her husband and kids adore her because of how good she is and good she makes them feel. She is like the “little stream” in the primary song, “giving” wherever she goes, making the “grass grow greener still”.
“You know the meaning of the word “gentleman.” It means a gentle man–a man who does things gently, with love. That is the whole art and mystery of it.” – Henry Drummond
I once made a resolution to always accept a kind gesture. This is hard from someone who is prideful and who thrives on efficiencies. Not that chivalry isn’t efficient – it very well may be. But sometimes, when I’m getting off at the next metro stop it just doesn’t seem to make sense to take the seat that is offered me. Regardless, accepting and embracing these acts has changed the way I view kindness.
Let me give you a few examples.
- An 18-year-old I work with offered to carry a box I was holding (that wasn’t heavy in the slightest), with the words, “Can I please hold that?” I let him.
- A good friend and I walked turned on to a busy road and he silently switched places with me putting him on the street side shielding me from the traffic. I felt safer then.
- I was at a museum the other day wandering with a large group. I became friends with a gentleman who was quite a bit older than me. Throughout the exhibit, he waited stepped to the side to allow me to go before him, sometimes gently guiding me ahead. His kindness was contagious and I felt to do the same.
- A senior executive at work stopped me in the all and said sincerely, “how are things going?” I felt like he really wanted to know.
- A new friend and I started talking as we walked home from church together. Seemingly caught up in our conversation, we passed his house and he walked me to my door. I knew he valued our conversation.
- My brother went to a movie with me and bought me dinner. He could have taken a dozen girls. I felt love from my brother.
- During a work meeting a colleague attentively listened and held eye contact throughout my presentation. I felt encouraged and confident because of his actions.
- A friend quietly began doing dishes after a small gathering at my house and insisted that he continue. I felt gratitude from him.
I salute all you gentlemen, all of you real men. Because of you, I long to show love to those around me. After all, real men do things gently, with real love.